Sick and Twisted.

I have a confession to make.
As you've already probably guessed by the title, it's something very sick and twisted, and I almost don't want to talk about it, but I have to get this off my chest. You're probably thinking, what the hell has this random girl on the internet done? Well, it's probably not what you think. You see, it's not anything that I have done, or that anyone has done. I'm just gonna say it. Here goes... I'm jealous of my boyfriend.

Probably not what you were thinking, right?

I have been dating my wonderful boyfriend, Hayden, for around 3 and a half years now, and in this time, I have began to notice some things. Like how he, no matter what he eats or does, always seems to be able to maintain a trim figure. Like how he has always been around a family that has a lot of money. Like how he is never sad. Like how he never suffers from crippling anxiety. Like how he always has enough money. Like how he always has a lot of luck. Just to name a few things. See, I told you it was sick and twisted, huh?

Because any normal person would admire these qualities in a male. He's hard-working, genuine, loving, giving, happy and the sexiest man I know. However, for someone like me, who has always been fat, is never happy and never seems to have any luck coming my way, these traits are downright enviable.

That's not to say I don't admire these traits because trust me, I know I have the best man out there. In return though, I constantly feel inadequate. I feel like I should be skinnier, trying harder, doing more, earning more, more, more, more.

I feel like I need to clarify that he does NOT in any way make me feel this way intentionally. No, that all comes from the demon that lives inside me that says things like "Oh, you're feeling happy? Let me fix that." and "Oh, you had a good thing happen to you? That's all for another 2 weeks."

I feel so bitter and I shouldn't.