Stay close to me.

Have you ever missed someone you've never met?
Have you ever missed someone you've never spoken to?
Furthermore, have you ever missed someone, who isn't technically a someone?

I have.

His name is Harry Potter.

For those of you who don't know, I, Emma Louise Lynch, am a self proclaimed Harry Potter addict. My love goes as far as to have a Harry Potter tattoo on my left wrist (the Deathly Hallows symbol with a ribbon around it that says "I've got something worth fighting for". I have a Harry Potter shrine in my room. I have three copies of the books, all with different covers. I have figurines, signed frames, photos, VHS's of the movies, "Making Of" books - you name it.

I remember my first experience of Harry Potter. I was probably about 8, and I went with my best friend at the time to see Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone at the movies. I think I knew almost immediately, even at my young age, how important this was going to be for me. I remember counting down the months, weeks, days 'til the next movie and in preparation reading and reading and re-reading all the books. I was hooked.

It has been over three years since the last movie came out, and over 7 years since the last book. I still remember exactly where I was on both of those days. On the day of the final book release, I was fighting with my mum. I can't remember exactly what for, but she was livid with me. I remember asking her to take me down to Target so I could get Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, and she did, begrudgingly. I was freshly 14. We got home, and she continued her bout of anger and ignored me for the entire day. I sat in the lounge room chair and read that book cover to cover for 12 hours straight. I cried. A lot. I was so glad for the book for the opportunity to take me to a different world so I could forget about what was going on in my life, even for just a little while. This is not the only situation Harry Potter has helped me through.

I remember my first year of high school, when I went to a school with 3 grades, only knowing 8 people, none of which were in any of my classes. They filtered off and made new friends, but I didn't. I was always the fat girl that no one wanted to talk to or be friends with, not because of anything I did, but because kids are cruel. I remember going home every night and crying. I remember feigning sick all the time just so I didn't have to go and face it. My only solace was Harry Potter. I read the books over and over, and went on Harry Potter websites when we were working on computers, which they mocked me for too. Fast forward a few years and I have friends, but the mental damage inflicted has embedded itself in to my head. I was suffering from severe depression, and more often than not, accompanied with that is self harm and suicide attempts. There was one night where I swallowed a heap of pills chased by straight alcohol, which wasn't enough to kill me, but it was enough to make me very sick. Laying in bed, feeling sorry for myself, there was only one thing that helped. Yeah, you guessed it. Harry Potter. Even at my lowest point, when I had no one to help and no where to go and nothing, Harry Potter was always the one consistent thing. The one thing I could rely on. The one thing at the end of a shitty day when nothing could ever possibly be okay that helped. It might not necessarily be reading the books all the time, but it was looking up quotes, looking up interviews with the cast, looking at pictures, researching spells further, whatever it might have been. I cannot even count the amount of times that Harry Potter has saved my life.

As you read above, even on a really shitty day, Harry Potter saved me. I felt more attached to the characters than some of my own family. And even though the final book had been released, it still didn't feel quite over just yet, because I still had the movies. The day they announced they would be splitting the final book into two movies was the best day of my life. "Yes" I thought to myself "It's going to last even longer." But all good things must come to an end.

So when the final movie came out, my emotions were running high. My city didn't do a midnight screening, so I went to the earliest session available - 7am. I couldn't eat. I felt sick. This was the end. The end of the only thing that kept me going. The end of the thing that had saved me numerous times over. I think I sat on the edge of my seat the whole time. I knew what was coming, and each second moved closer to the end...

And then it was over.

It was done. The credits started to roll, and every body started moving, but not me. I couldn't. I turned to look at my friends and just burst into tears. Sobbing. Hysterically. People around me didn't know what the hell was going on. "Who's this queer girl sitting in the middle of the cinema crying over Harry Potter?" I wish they knew.

So it's been three years, and I'm doing okay. Apart from nights like tonight, when I go on tumblr and it'll be the occasional Harry Potter gif set that will stab me right in the heart. I miss him. I miss Harry. I miss Ron. I miss Hermione. I miss Snape. I miss Sirius. I miss the Great Hall, and Potions class, and magic. They're not even tangible enough for me to miss, and that's the hardest part. This phenomenon is such a huge part of my life and there's a hole in my heart that will never be able to be fixed. And it hurts, every. single. day.

“It is important to fight and fight again, and keep fighting, for only then can evil be kept at bay, though never quite eradicated.”

Sick and Twisted.

I have a confession to make.
As you've already probably guessed by the title, it's something very sick and twisted, and I almost don't want to talk about it, but I have to get this off my chest. You're probably thinking, what the hell has this random girl on the internet done? Well, it's probably not what you think. You see, it's not anything that I have done, or that anyone has done. I'm just gonna say it. Here goes... I'm jealous of my boyfriend.

Probably not what you were thinking, right?

I have been dating my wonderful boyfriend, Hayden, for around 3 and a half years now, and in this time, I have began to notice some things. Like how he, no matter what he eats or does, always seems to be able to maintain a trim figure. Like how he has always been around a family that has a lot of money. Like how he is never sad. Like how he never suffers from crippling anxiety. Like how he always has enough money. Like how he always has a lot of luck. Just to name a few things. See, I told you it was sick and twisted, huh?

Because any normal person would admire these qualities in a male. He's hard-working, genuine, loving, giving, happy and the sexiest man I know. However, for someone like me, who has always been fat, is never happy and never seems to have any luck coming my way, these traits are downright enviable.

That's not to say I don't admire these traits because trust me, I know I have the best man out there. In return though, I constantly feel inadequate. I feel like I should be skinnier, trying harder, doing more, earning more, more, more, more.

I feel like I need to clarify that he does NOT in any way make me feel this way intentionally. No, that all comes from the demon that lives inside me that says things like "Oh, you're feeling happy? Let me fix that." and "Oh, you had a good thing happen to you? That's all for another 2 weeks."

I feel so bitter and I shouldn't.

Life Updates.

Well it has been a hot minute since the last time I blogged.
Here's a quick summary of interesting life events that have happened since the last time I posted:

• I got a job at Woolworths in April
• Bert and I booked a trip to America in June for the 3rd of March next year
• I turned 21 in July and had a huge Great Gatsby themed 21st
• I started a Business Administration TAFE course mid-July
• I got a second job at Autograph Fashion (a plus size shop) at the end of July
• Probably the most important thing to have happened over the last 8 months is that I FINALLY GOT MY LICENSE!!! I got them early September, first go and have been driving around everywhere ever since. I cannot even explain the amount of freedom I feel like I have now
• Lincoln and Carissa got married at the end of September and I was a Bridesmaid and Bert was a groomsman and it was a beautiful ceremony
• I then quit Woolies earlier this month due to the fact that my supervisor shifts were taken off me for no reason and I didn't get any shifts for 6 weeks, all the while getting double taxed at Autograph making next to no money
• Last weekend was Bert's 21st and he had a party at his house with some close mates and it was a really fun night
• Bert had also quit his job earlier in the year, got a job at Dick Smith and quit that 2 weeks ago and is now working in an Abattoir.

Fast forward and it's the 20th of November and I feel like so much has changed and its only about a month out from Christmas. It's been quite a huge year so far with a lot of changes which has been pretty hard for someone who doesn't really handle change very well. I'm just incredibly excited to be going to America. We've been counting down the days and it's coming up super fast.
I'm hoping to get back in to blogging but you just never know with me. What you can do if you're interested is check out our YouTube channel. We've actually stuck with it which is amazing and it's something we really love doing. So you can check us out there, where we'll be doing vlogmas!!!